I like your approach here J.D. about questions. My opinion is that if you’re inclined to ask open ended questions, the possibilities provided by questions are limitless. Questions are a terrific way of introducing information into a closed mind, of revealing the flaw in an idea, and of giving people a face saving way out while redirecting towards a better idea! Questions allow us to help each other past stuck places in our thinking, tease open entrenched positions to find thinking room, and identify courses of action for important next steps.

Speaking of context, email is a good example where I’ve seen the ask vs. tell paths amplified. Imagine the approval/appreciation seeking case of multiple mails ((1)would you like to meet? (2) when would be good for you? (3) I’ll see if I can find something (4) sched+)) versus just sending the sched+, then readjusting from there. In the approval/appreciation case, the multiple interaction is well received. In the action-oriented case, it’s, as you say, simply annoying because of time constraints.

> asking for permission works well with almost everyone (just not all the time.)
I’m not sure whether the generalization is more about the situation or the disposition. I originally thought it was more situtational — that’s intuitive — but as I flashback, I see the patterns tied more to the people than the situations. For example, with my manager, I’ve never had a situation where asking permission was preferred, yet with his peers, asking permission was almost always preferred, in just about any situation.

I think it’s safe to start with the assumption that asking permission works well with almost everyone, but if you find you’re not effective with certain sets of people to test a more active mode.

On a somewhat related note — questions can be more effective than statements because it causes a switch in focus, so if permission isn’t the right question, a variation of questions can be particularly effective.

Just to reiterate, there is a time and a place for everything, and it’s never all the time and everyplace. I stand by my statement that asking for permission works well with almost everyone (just not all the time.) You’ve identified a context where it served no purpose, and that’s why I always recommend paying attention and observing the context before attempting a persuasive communication. Like you, I can think of other contexts where asking permission would be perceived as evidence of lack of conviction, or simply be annoying because of time constraints or irritability.

There’s also an interesting tonal behavior of many gen -xers, that sounds like some kind of asking at the end of a statement. You know?

be well

> This works well with almost everyone.
Less true. I’ve found it less effective in engineering organizations that are action-focused, high on the red scale. In your terms, if somebody has a need for action, the ask/permission can be friction and irritation.

I can relate to this because I had a couple mentees that were heavy on ask mode, which worked great for approval/appreciation, but they weren’t as effective w/some people. They moved to “be brief, be bright, be gone” … and got results.