In my last post on the topic of transitional openers, I discussed the Pivotal Moment of Transition. Today, let’s talk about another technique to pack in your positive persuasion toolbox.
Ask for Permission
“…May I tell you about a way that we can (short summary of the desired outcome)?” If you choose to ask for permission, make sure that you wait to receive it before proceeding. Because this is a question, it requires a response, thus involving your persuadee.
Asking for permission tells people that they are involved in what they are about to hear because you value, recognize and appreciate them. Once someone gives you permission, his or her consent becomes the green light for you to present your persuasion proposition. Asking permission works, because anything you say with permission is bound to find a more receptive audience than anything you say without it.
This works well with almost everyone. Specifically, it works well with people who have a communication need for approval and appreciation. You can vary the degree of directness and understate it with care and consideration, or say it with enthusiasm, depending on what you’ve learned about your persuadee. Or, ask for it with care and enthusiasm. But ask for it.
A Reason to Say Yes
Permission also gives your persuadee something to say yes to, and yes it’s almost always a good beginning to persuasion. In fact, asking permission is so powerful that you can continue to ask permission throughout Phase Three/Presentation (of your persuasion proposition).
“May I describe the benefits of my proposal?”
“May I offer you a demonstration?”
“May I give you a sample?”
Permission is Powerful
Permission is a powerful persuader, because it comes from your persuadee, and means you have their consent to hear what you have to say.
Here’s a classic use of asking for permission, with a funny response. Someone says to you “May I ask you a question?” And you reply, “You just did.” Then they say, “May ask you another question right after this one?” I don’t know why, but that always makes me laugh!
But really, if you think it through, asking for permission to ask a question before asking the question is a wonderful way of getting someone to really think about their answer when your question comes their way. It’s a heads-up that a response is desired, and it allows your persuadee to mentally get in position to answer what ever you are about to ask. It gets attention, and holds it.
Go ahead. Practice asking for permission as a transitional opener. Let me know how it impacts your persuasion success.
Use your influence. Be persuasive. Change your mind, change your life, and change your world.
Be well,
Dr. Rick
Related posts:
1. Persuasion Communication: Using Transitional Openers
2. Speaking to the Need: Blending with Need-Styles for More Powerful Communication
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
> Specifically, it works well with people who have a communication need for approval and appreciation.
Very true!
> This works well with almost everyone.
Less true. I’ve found it less effective in engineering organizations that are action-focused, high on the red scale. In your terms, if somebody has a need for action, the ask/permission can be friction and irritation.
I can relate to this because I had a couple mentees that were heavy on ask mode, which worked great for approval/appreciation, but they weren’t as effective w/some people. They moved to “be brief, be bright, be gone” … and got results.
Thanks for the comment!
Just to reiterate, there is a time and a place for everything, and it’s never all the time and everyplace. I stand by my statement that asking for permission works well with almost everyone (just not all the time.) You’ve identified a context where it served no purpose, and that’s why I always recommend paying attention and observing the context before attempting a persuasive communication. Like you, I can think of other contexts where asking permission would be perceived as evidence of lack of conviction, or simply be annoying because of time constraints or irritability.
There’s also an interesting tonal behavior of many gen -xers, that sounds like some kind of asking at the end of a statement. You know?
be well
I’m a fan of situational adaptability.
Speaking of context, email is a good example where I’ve seen the ask vs. tell paths amplified. Imagine the approval/appreciation seeking case of multiple mails ((1)would you like to meet? (2) when would be good for you? (3) I’ll see if I can find something (4) sched+)) versus just sending the sched+, then readjusting from there. In the approval/appreciation case, the multiple interaction is well received. In the action-oriented case, it’s, as you say, simply annoying because of time constraints.
> asking for permission works well with almost everyone (just not all the time.)
I’m not sure whether the generalization is more about the situation or the disposition. I originally thought it was more situtational — that’s intuitive — but as I flashback, I see the patterns tied more to the people than the situations. For example, with my manager, I’ve never had a situation where asking permission was preferred, yet with his peers, asking permission was almost always preferred, in just about any situation.
I think it’s safe to start with the assumption that asking permission works well with almost everyone, but if you find you’re not effective with certain sets of people to test a more active mode.
On a somewhat related note — questions can be more effective than statements because it causes a switch in focus, so if permission isn’t the right question, a variation of questions can be particularly effective.
Situation or disposition…I like the distinction! Just want to remind that disposition changes depending on the situation…what a person wants, who is around, time of day, time of week, time of month, time of year, blood sugar status, etc. Fortunately, people are predictable, and if you can predict it you can plan for it.
I like your approach here J.D. about questions. My opinion is that if you’re inclined to ask open ended questions, the possibilities provided by questions are limitless. Questions are a terrific way of introducing information into a closed mind, of revealing the flaw in an idea, and of giving people a face saving way out while redirecting towards a better idea! Questions allow us to help each other past stuck places in our thinking, tease open entrenched positions to find thinking room, and identify courses of action for important next steps.
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