Comments on: Helping Indecisive People To Make A Decision http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision Change is inevitable. Progress is not. YOU make the difference. Fri, 03 Sep 2010 22:36:31 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Dr. Rick Kirschner http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision/comment-page-1#comment-3699 Dr. Rick Kirschner Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:14:28 +0000 http://drkblog.com/?p=1460#comment-3699 HI Karen, thanks for your comment and questions. I'll respond in two parts. First, I think the best way to get past emotional reactions is to breathe into them, then change the way you talk to yourself about what's happening by finding a useful assumption on which to base your behavior. All this is easier to do if you rehearse doing it in the privacy of your mind, using past experiences as the staging ground. Now, in the situation you describe, the lack of clarity about desired outcome is the problem. What you can do with that is help your mother think through her options in a coherent way, instead of going back and forth between them. Take staying in the house. Evaluate the upside, then the downside, then put it aside. Then take moving back, and do the same. Lastly, take moving to England, and do the same. BY helping your mother to do this, she'll wind up with a stronger sense of what her best and worst options are. Then gently remind her that there is no such thing as a perfect decision, and that instead all she can ask of herself is her best decision. Offer her some reassurance after, and I'm guessing she can work it out. Best wishes, Rick HI Karen, thanks for your comment and questions. I’ll respond in two parts. First, I think the best way to get past emotional reactions is to breathe into them, then change the way you talk to yourself about what’s happening by finding a useful assumption on which to base your behavior. All this is easier to do if you rehearse doing it in the privacy of your mind, using past experiences as the staging ground.

Now, in the situation you describe, the lack of clarity about desired outcome is the problem. What you can do with that is help your mother think through her options in a coherent way, instead of going back and forth between them. Take staying in the house. Evaluate the upside, then the downside, then put it aside. Then take moving back, and do the same. Lastly, take moving to England, and do the same. BY helping your mother to do this, she’ll wind up with a stronger sense of what her best and worst options are. Then gently remind her that there is no such thing as a perfect decision, and that instead all she can ask of herself is her best decision. Offer her some reassurance after, and I’m guessing she can work it out.
Best wishes,
Rick

]]> By: karen http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision/comment-page-1#comment-3697 karen Thu, 22 Oct 2009 15:34:57 +0000 http://drkblog.com/?p=1460#comment-3697 I love all your words on this way of reasoning...BUT How does the emotional part of thinking get put asside? My Mother lives with my controling sister. She can't make up here mind to continue to live in My Mothers house and get a job in the town they live in. Or move back to the place she came from and lived for 20 years. Or move to England with the Man she is engaged to. Wow you say??? How did this all come to be? LONG STORY........... so far what are your words of advice when both parties are waiting for the best thing for them ,and no one tells the other what they really really want! a very bad situation is at Play right now. I love all your words on this way of reasoning…BUT How does the emotional part of thinking get put asside? My Mother lives with my controling sister. She can’t make up here mind to continue to live in My Mothers house and get a job in the town they live in. Or move back to the place she came from and lived for 20 years. Or move to England with the Man she is engaged to.
Wow you say??? How did this all come to be?
LONG STORY……….. so far what are your words of advice when both parties are waiting for the best thing for them ,and no one tells the other what they really really want!
a very bad situation is at Play right now.

]]> By: Anonymous http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision/comment-page-1#comment-3664 Anonymous Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:14:33 +0000 http://drkblog.com/?p=1460#comment-3664 Gosh, I never thought about it but I think I have a system for this , too. My husband has a *terrible* time making decisions ~ I think you've nailed it ~ he's looking for the "perfect" decision every single time. So I wheedle out of him the attributes that he "has to have" and what's "unacceptable" and then I help to take things off the decision table that don't meet his requirements. Like, "Well, the Sony doesn't have Bluetooth which you have to have" or "The Thai restaurant will have longer than a 30 minute wait tonight which we don't want to deal with". It really speeds things up, lol. Thanks for the fun posting, Dr. K! ~Kell Gosh, I never thought about it but I think I have a system for this , too. My husband has a *terrible* time making decisions ~ I think you’ve nailed it ~ he’s looking for the “perfect” decision every single time. So I wheedle out of him the attributes that he “has to have” and what’s “unacceptable” and then I help to take things off the decision table that don’t meet his requirements. Like, “Well, the Sony doesn’t have Bluetooth which you have to have” or “The Thai restaurant will have longer than a 30 minute wait tonight which we don’t want to deal with”. It really speeds things up, lol.

Thanks for the fun posting, Dr. K!

~Kell

]]> By: Dr. K http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision/comment-page-1#comment-3635 Dr. K Fri, 04 Sep 2009 04:48:08 +0000 http://drkblog.com/?p=1460#comment-3635 Thank you for your comment! I'm not aware of where I said anything about 'only.' But I do think that logic and reason make an excellent lense for decision making in most situations ... unless you know for a fact (logic) that you can trust your gut (feelings), in which case, a feelings check would offer a reliable method! But you've raised a very interesting point. I've heard, and my gut says its true, that people make most decisions emotionally, and then justify them logically. Which is why, in my work teaching the principles of persuasive communication, I encourage people to master the signals of persuasion, all of which pitch to the feeling side of people. And there's the rub. A persuasive person has a stronger ability to speak persuasively and engage those 'good' feelings that lead others to a decision, whether the decision is a good one for them to make or not. I love that you're taking values into account in this equation. When people know their values, (and I mean specifically, not generally) that gut check is significantly easier to do than when they don't. I enjoyed your comment and hope to hear from you again! best wishes, Rick Thank you for your comment!

I’m not aware of where I said anything about ‘only.’ But I do think that logic and reason make an excellent lense for decision making in most situations … unless you know for a fact (logic) that you can trust your gut (feelings), in which case, a feelings check would offer a reliable method!

But you’ve raised a very interesting point. I’ve heard, and my gut says its true, that people make most decisions emotionally, and then justify them logically. Which is why, in my work teaching the principles of persuasive communication, I encourage people to master the signals of persuasion, all of which pitch to the feeling side of people. And there’s the rub. A persuasive person has a stronger ability to speak persuasively and engage those ‘good’ feelings that lead others to a decision, whether the decision is a good one for them to make or not.

I love that you’re taking values into account in this equation. When people know their values, (and I mean specifically, not generally) that gut check is significantly easier to do than when they don’t.

I enjoyed your comment and hope to hear from you again!
best wishes,
Rick

]]> By: Guest http://theartofchange.com/wordpress/persuasion/helping-indecisive-people-to-make-a-decision/comment-page-1#comment-3634 Guest Fri, 04 Sep 2009 04:33:13 +0000 http://drkblog.com/?p=1460#comment-3634 I'm a little surprised that you seem to think that logic and reason are the only useful lenses through which to make a decision. While I agree that calming down is more effective than not, I also think its worthwhile to examine the feelings - perhaps values come into play in this decision, and strong feelings are a good indicator that it's time for a "gut check." I’m a little surprised that you seem to think that logic and reason are the only useful lenses through which to make a decision. While I agree that calming down is more effective than not, I also think its worthwhile to examine the feelings – perhaps values come into play in this decision, and strong feelings are a good indicator that it’s time for a “gut check.”

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